Film Reviews Reviews

Shah Ji’s Next Is Worst of All

Written by Omair Alavi

By: Omair Alavi There are so many things wrong with Syed Noor’s latest offering Chain Aaye Na – some say it’s literally a blast from the past, for the past while others are calling it the last nail in the coffin of Lollywood. The truth is, the trailer seems to have been compiled by some…

SAMAA | Omair Alavi – Posted: Jun 25, 2017 | Last Updated: 4 years ago

By: Omair Alavi

There are so many things wrong with Syed Noor’s latest offering Chain Aaye Na – some say it’s literally a blast from the past, for the past while others are calling it the last nail in the coffin of Lollywood. The truth is, the trailer seems to have been compiled by some student using the name of Syed Noor, the man behind classic 90s flicks. It is so bad that it makes you question the real story behind Shah Ji’s hits – was he the one behind it or someone else who is no more in his camp. Let’s watch the trailer and find out what was going through his mind and why he didn’t think twice before posting it on social media.

Saxophone inside house

What Noor Sb thought: Oh it would look so sexy; a chikna guy playing saxophone in the house and trying to impress the girl. Pakka Pategi

What We think: It is 2017 and there are a lot of things people do in their homes than playing the saxophone. Ever heard of Sound Cloud?

White cats

What Noor Sb thought: It looked so cool in the cigarette commercials of the 80s as well as in James Bond flicks. Will give my film an international touch.

What we think: James Bond happened more than 50 years back and 1980s was over 3 decades. Either grow up or get out.

Vamp

What Noor Sb thought: Hero Check. Heroine Check. Villain Check. Vamp Check.

What we think: Who dresses like that in 2017; who wears contact lenses to look Vamp-ish these days. Even in Gupt, Kajol’s villainy was kept hidden till the climax and people remember the film for that!

Cigars

What Noor Sb thought: Rich people smoke Cigar. Better add some Cigars!

What we think: This is the 90s – even Yasir Nawaz knew that Cigars are an old fashioned way of smoking and people smoke Vape!

Can I KissWhat Noor Sb thought: Rich people ask their fiancée if they can kiss them or not. Too manly!What we think: Real men don’t ask. They just do it! Ever heard James Bond and Indiana Jones ask the women whether they should be permitted to kiss them?Waris Baig and legacyWhat Noor Sb thought: Let’s bring back Waris Baig … voice of the 90s. He helped me deliver hits in that era; he will help me again!What we think: Waris Baig was a local version of Kumar Sanu in the 90s and it has been 15 years since Sanu delivered a hit. Think about it.Eternal Love StoryWhat Noor Sb thought: That will look so cool when the trailer will be on screen. The crowd will go mad!What we think: What The Eff!

The Romantic Handshake

What Noor Sb thought: Shaking the hand of a girl used to be so romantic in the 70s. Let’s do it again!

What we think: So was showing flowers instead of a complete kiss. Show that too!

Mango Juice Cheers

What Noor Sb thought: Let’s include a love triangle involving grandfather type Mustafa Qureshi, father type Nadeem sahib and cool mother type Atiqa Odho. Add a mango juice class in cheers style and the scene is on!

What we think: Seriously?

White Bandage in Hospital

What Noor Sb thought: Tariq Hussain sang Kia Hua Tera Waada with a bandage on his head; let’s recreate that here!

What we think: That was 1977 and where is Tariq Hussain anyway!

US K SAATH IK LARKI THI

What Noor Sb thought: This dialogue used to be treated with an AWWW in the 1950s. Let’s use it here too.

What we think: So?

Blood Spatter like never before

What Noor Sb thought: He came, he shot and blood splattered on his face.

What we think: Seems like someone dropped Tomato Ketchup bottle on the floor.

Zara Dholki Bajao Goriyon … again

What Noor Sb thought: I made this hit song in the 90s, let’s use the tune here.

What we think: Adnan Sami composed that song – you just filmed it, dude.

Playing a Daf

What Noor Sb thought: Shehroz looks so dashing playing a Daf; reminds me of Rishi Kapoor in Duffli Walay!

What we think: That was the last time an actor tried his hand at Daf … nearly 40 years back.

Naagan Dance

What Noor Sb thought: Let’s include the Naagan dance … oooooh people will love it and go out of the cinema in the same style.

What we think: Neither your heroine is Sridevi nor this is the 1980s. Please open the window and take a look outside.

That Guy in Pink

What Noor Sb thought: This guy looks so cool … let’s include him in the film.

What we think: What the Pink!

Irreversible Hate

What Noor Sb thought: Let’s play thesaurus thesaurus. What looks good with Hate … hmmm… how about Irreversible.

What we think: You must be out of your mind, old man!

Get out of my life warna main tumhein bohat zaleel karungi!

What Noor Sb thought: Oh the girl looks like Katrina Kaif when she speaks in both languages. Oooh lala.

What we think: Nobody’s afraid of being zaleel these days boss. Nobody!

Naach Meri Jaan Naach

What Noor Sb thought: Let’s include a pharakta hua song with wine glasses here and there on poolside. Uffff!

What we think: Look outside the window sir jee … it’s 2017!

I am your true lover

What Noor Sb thought: I need an English dialogue to give the burger crowd feel.

What we think: True lovers don’t say that they are true lovers. They just keep doing their stuff.

Lovely Melody

What Noor Sb thought: Include this slide so people will know that the songs are lovely.

What we think: Ewwww!

The Insults!

What Noor Sb thought: I once saw a heroine say Jaanwar and Bheria to Shakti Kapoor. Let’s incorporate that into the script too!

What we think: Bro, it’s 2017 and these words don’t exist in dictionary of females … they would rather slap the guy than say such nonsense.

Tum Sirf Meri Ho, Sirf Meri

What Noor Sb thought: This dialogue made Shah Rukh Khan famous – let ‘Sheh Roz’ say it to become a star!

What we think: So?

The Musical Instruments

What Noor Sb thought: Shaan looked so cool playing musical instruments in Sangam; let’s do it again!

What we think: Shaan was already an established actor; this guy is making his debut and doesn’t look like someone who can lift a drumstick!

Bare chest and hug

What Noor Sb thought: Chipak kay zara, Chipak kay!

What we think: Puke!

Timeless Love

What Noor Sb thought: Love is eternal, let’s tell all!

What We think: Love is always timeless sir … no need to mention.

Nadeem’s threat!

What Noor Sb thought: The audience clapped when Nadeem sahib said teesra Pakistani hai judge sahib in Deewane Tere Pyaar Kay. Recreate it!

What we think: Just tell me what you are smoking sir!

Final Golf Six

What Noor Sb thought: The villain is a rich man; rich people play golf and use golf sticks to hit people. Action!

What we think: Were you high when you shot this sequence as it would have seemed outdated even in the 90s!

About the author

Omair Alavi